Maybe having a brain is an optional after all....

I mean really some people really do make me think to myself  "do you listen to yourself when you speak and mean the things you say!"

I was at my father's house a few day's ago.  As I go out.....I meet a couple going to see my parents.  We speak a bit..... then they ask me "how is he anyway?".  "he" being my dad.  I say "well he's doing realy well considering his great loss".  They then say  "we don't think he is..... we can't get through to him".  He's not his usual oldself.

He lost his SON!  Not a toy.... not an object... A SON!  He's NEVER going to be "his oldself"!

I can understand people "not getting it" because they haven't been through it.... but why don't people just shut their mouths and keep quiet!!!!!!!!!

Thank you....

.... to Rocco and Gabriel's mummy for this beautiful photo.

It's definately a T in the sky!

Remember me asking you all to cross your fingers...

Well thank you because it worked!

My friend's rainbow baby has arrived!!!

Little Luca was born yesterday.  I'm so happy for my Friend Sheila(I can mention her name now ;) ).

Luca's little sister Camilla definately accompanied him in their mother's arms to love and cherish!

I can actually say today that I am happy!

I was thinking....

about the end of a blog post that beth morey wrote.  It's about one thousand gifts that God has given us.....

I was thinking..... I'd like to write a postitive post once in a while..... instead of total and utter pain and grief ALL the time.

here's my attempt:

...That my friend's rainbow baby is nearly here and she will finally be smiling a REAL smile!

...for my boys that were supposed to sleep round their grandma's house but got teary when we said goodbye and came home with us. (suppose that's a bit of a selfish gift).

....the hugs I recieved today from my little preschool babies.

Saving the best till last:


.....I asked CiaoLapo if they could make us some tshirts.  (see Team Ciaolapo) I asked how much they cost so I could donate.... and they kindly said that they didn't want any money and that it's the least they could do as sponsors of the team.  That THEY want to give THEA a gift!  So I am greatful that I have found a place.... a virtual place on the internet that is FULL.  JAM PACKED.... POPPING AT THE SEAMS..... with HEART and LOVE!

Furious Friday

Friday: Hubby came back from work saying that maybe we should go and buy the boys new shoes.  He was definately right!

We went shoes shopping and clothes shopping.... and who do I see?

HER!

I felt my body fill itself with ANGER Furious .... the type that you feel in your fists and think.... I could gladly SLAP that person round the face and maybe feel better.

You are probably confused as to who the HER mentioned before is.  HER = pediatrician that was there at Thea's birth.  The one that got to hold her and I didn't!!!!  The one that told my mum not to touch her grand-daughter. The one that had all the say in everything and me.... well I was just a silly blubbering mother who just lost her baby so she had better get rid of her and out of my sight before I blubbered anymore!

I really hope she never has anything else to do with stillbirth or abortion.

Fingers crossed.....

A Friend .... who has helped me throughout the grieving process.... a friend that took me by the hand from day one and has accompanied me during this hard and painful road.... is in hospital.

She went in today at 36+2 weeks pregnant.   She has problems with her liver.

I wish I could be with her to REALLY hold her hand and help her through it all.  Her rainbow baby may come early ..... he may not.  The whole pregnancy has been a bit of a struggle for her.  She has had problems with the neck of her uterus.

My Journey through grief has been made with her.  nI a certain way I have also accompanied her in her pregnancy journey.... hand in hand.... and now.... now that baby rainbow is nearly here I feel like the RE-birth..... is not only her's but also mine.

Fingers crossed little cupcake.

I can't wait to see you.

And you .... little star in the sky.... I believe in you.... and I believe you want to make your mummy smile.

TEAM CIAOLAPO!!

I am so excited and happy....all rolled into emotional.

A few months ago, after seeing my ciaolapo t-shirt, my hubby said.... I'ld like to have some ciaolapo T-shirts made for the five aside summer football tornament.

I thought that his idea was brilliant!!!!!

I got in touch with Claudia Ravaldi.  The founder of CiaoLapo... and asked her if she could.... and here they are:

I just got this pic!

And I had two t-shirts done for the boys....

Special Brother. <3

I'll keep you all posted on how they do!  Last year hubby's team lost at the final match.  Fingers Crossed this year they will win!!!  To be honest.... this year they have already won.  With this T-shirt we are winners right from the start!

Gabriella...

I've had this post here saved for a while and not had the strength to continue writting it.

I think it's about time I did.

Gabriella is a little girl that joined my preschool class later than the rest.

Just a little preface.  The preschool I teach in is called the spring section.  A class that goes from 24 to 36 months or age.  It's a town hall project.  So only people from this town attend it.

Gabriella's mother asked if her little girl could join too.  The Mayor of the town accepted. (even though she is much younger than the rest) He came to school to say that little Gabriella would be joining us.

Now Gabriella..... well she's not just any little girl who may join our class.

She was born on the 26th of March 2011. A day after Thea was born.

I looked at her the first day she came in.  I picked her up.... we both smiled at one another.  After a bit of initial difficulty with me thinking to myself.... "what the hell am I doing here holding this baby when I should be holding mine!!"  After looking at her hands.... her feet.... her eyes.... her height.... her weight..... EVERYTHING.... I thought.... she doesn't look a bit like Thea!  She's blond... fair skin.... blue eyes and straight hair.  Nothing like my curly black hair, big red lips and olive coloured skin.... little princess.

She is Gabriella.... screaming..... laughing.... smiling Gabriella.  She's alive.... and she's NOT Thea.

Thea is Thea..... black curly hair, red lips, little french nose.... and her eyes.... well.... they must have been dark brown..... She's alive.... in my heart and always will be.... and...most important of all.... SHE'S MINE!

Bumping into people ....

I was at work today... (I'm a preschool teacher).  I had forgotten my phone at home and asked my assistant to take over so I could go and get my phone. (I only live 200m away from the school).

As I was going back....I was thinking.... It's REALLY hot today..... I think I'll take my little pupils a surprise and got them some ice-cream.  As I walked out of the shop there in front of me were 2 little babies.  One of the little babies is a boy.  His mummy was with me in church on "The day of LIFE" to bless our bumps.  The other baby is a little girl.  The same little girl that had the same Delivery date as Thea.  She was supposed to be born on the 25th of April too.  I don't know if she was.

I usually stop.... touch babies cheeks and say how beautiful they are.  I just couldn't bring myself to say anything but "Good Morning" and couldn't wait to get out of that place.

Will it always be like this?

Will I always want to run away and hide?

Guilt

I was reading some blog entries to the "right where I am" project.... and came across a blog post that talked about guilt.  I thought about the one thing I really feel guilty about and just can't seem to think it's anyone's faultt but mine.

So here it is....

When I went for Thea's last scan.  The doc. asked me for my folder with all of the other scans and blood work. .... I couldn't give them to him because I had forgotten it.

He then said.... ok when you go home compare the measurements and if you find something wrong with them call me and tell me.

Well.... I didn't compare them.  I was just worrying about her being oblique and that I might have had to have a C section.

I didn't compare the measurements!!!!!!  WHY DIDN'T I!!!!!!

I could have had a C section before to get her out and alive.  Maybe I had some kind of clot in my placent due to trombofiia e she wasn't getting nutrition or oxygen.

Everytime I think of this a get this gut feeling of physical sickness.

I didn't help my baby when I should have.

Stavo leggendo dei messaggi nei vari blog per il "right where I am project" e ho letto un post di una mamma che parlava di sentirsi in colpa.  Ho pensato alla cosa che mi fa sentire veramente in colpa e nn credo che possa essere colpa di nessuno tranne mia.


Eccolo qua...


Quando sono andata per l'ultima eco. con Thea.  Il gine. mi ha chiesto la mia carpetta con tutte le altre schede e foto di eco.  e c'erano anche tutte le analisi..... non gliel'ho potuto dare perchè l'ho dimenticata.


Mi ha poi detto.... va bene quando sei a casa paragona le misure e se vedi qualcosa di strano chiamami e fammi sapere.


Bene.... non le ho paragonate.  Io ero solo preoccupata per Thea che si era messa obliqua e che potevo dover fare un cesareo. 


Perchè non ho paragonato le misure!!!!!!  PERCHE?!!!!!!


Forse potevano fare un cesareo prima così potevano tirarla fuori viva.  Forse c'era qualche tipo di coagulo nella placenta a causa della trombofilia e nn stava prendendo nutrizione o ossigeno.


Ogni volta che ci penso mi viene questa sensazione fisica di vomito.


Non ho aiutato la mia bambina quando avrei dovuto.

Right where I am project...On Year, Two months,One week and One day.

Last year I participated in this project started by Angie at Still life with circles.  This is what I wrote last year at two months one week and two days here.

This year I want to participate and by doing so it will be like auto telling myself how far I've come along in my grief.

So now it has been one year, two months and one week and one day.  Almost a year to the day that I wrote the same post last year.

This year has been EMPTY.... but FULL.  I know.... that's just another paradox that comes with grief.  Everything gets turned upside down and inside out.

Last year when I wrote this post I would never have thought that this year not only would I still be missing a daughter..... I'm now also missing a brother.  He died two months ago today.  My grieving process has somewhat confused itself.  I find myself thinking and missing Thea and John in the exact same second.

Do I cry still?..... yes I do.... not as much as I used to.... I can talk and I find people in front of me crying for what I say.... but I don't cry talking because even if I have that pain in my heart it sort of gets out with the words and not in tears.

I kept thinking about Thea's angelversary.  Well .... her short life was celebrated beautifully.  The whole day was dedicated to her.... just like when it's your birthday and people make you feel special..... well she was our very special memory that day. We made a little video of that special day.

Last year I wasn't going out at all.  I stayed in and only went shopping in a near by town.  I still go shopping in that same town because I still can't bring myself to go into the old supermarket I used to shop in.  I still can't go into certain shops either.  I started going out at around about the middle of September.  The first ever outing was to take Gero to his new school.  All of the mothers know me and knew about Thea.... no one said anything and everyone kept their distance.  Only a mother I knew came up to me and said that she was sorry she didn't come to see me and he was so sorry about what had happened.  I appreiciated her simple words.   From that day on I started back at work and going out is much easier.

People don't look at me with pity anymore.  They've forgotten all about my little Thea.  I don't know if that's something to be greatful for or not.

I have recently had blood tests done.  This revealed a very painful truth.  I had some results come back slightly altered.  The doctor had  reason to think that I may have lost Thea through trombophilia.  To think that I could have my little Thea in my arms just by having heparin shots!  Why oh why don't they do this blood work as routine?!!!  This "knowing"..... just renewed my pain....it reopened that wound made it as fresh as the first day.

I often think about the old me.  How much I laughed and made the stupidest jokes and comments.  I think about how I DIDN'T think about things enough.... and at the REAL importance of things.  I think about never being that old me again..... not even if I try really hard.  I will never return to be who I was.  I have said this a few times before.... but I will never get fed up of saying it:  I will never be my old self again.... and I don't WANT  to be the old me again..... becoming my oldself would mean not ever meeting my little angel Thea.  So I'm still getting to know the new me.
I don't think this grieving process will never actually end.  I will always miss Thea and I will always have an ache in my heart because she's not phisically here with us.  All I can do is take each day as it comes and take little steps forward towards getting to know the new me .....with my little angel by my side helping me up everytime I fall.



L'anno scorso ho participato al progetto iniziato da Angie a Still life with circles (il link è sopra).  L'anno scorso ho scritto questo:  (link sopra cliccando su "here".


Quest'anno voglio partecipare di nuovo e così facendo è come auto dicendomi quanto avanti sono arrivata nel mio viaggio del lutto.


Adesso è un anno, due mesi, una settimana e un giorno. Quasi un anno esatto da quando ho scritto il post l'anno scorso.


Quest'anno è stato VUOTO... ma PIENO!  Lo so.... questo è solo un'altro paradosso che accompagna il lutto.  Tutto è capovolto e raggirato.


L'anno scorso quando ho scritto questo post nn potevo mai credere che quest'anno nn solo non mi manca  mia figlia ma ..... mi manca anche un fratello.  E' morto due mesi fa oggi.  Il processo del lutto si è un po' confuso.  Mi ritrovo pensando e mancando Thea e John nello stesso esatto secondo.


Piango?  Sì piango.  Non come prima.  Posso parlare e trovare davanti a me persone che piangono mentre racconto ma io nn piango perchè mentre parlo e ho il dolore nel cuore è come se questo dolore esce con le parole invece che con le lacrime.


Prima pensavo spesso al compleangelo di Thea.  Beh,....la sua breve vita è stata celebrata in modo bellissimo.  L'intero giorno è stato dedicato a lei....proprio quando è il tuo compleanno e le persone ti fanno sentire speciale.... lei è stata il nostro ricordo speciale per tutta la giornata.  Abbiamo fatto un video di quel giorno speciale (il link del video di trova cliccando su video).


L'anno scorso nn uscivo proprio.  Stavo a casa e uscivo solo per andare a fare la spesa in un paese vicino.  Faccio la spesa ancora in un paese vicino perchè nn riesco ad andare nel vecchio supermercato.  Non riesco ancora ad entrare ancora in alcuni negozi.  Ho iniziato ad uscire verso la metà di settembre.  La prima volta che sono uscita era per portare Gero nella ua nuova scuola.  Tutte le mamme mi conoscevano e sapevano in Thea..... nessuno ha detto nulla e tutte si tenevano lontane.  Solo una mamma  è venuta vicino a me e mi ha detto che le dispiaceva per il fatto che nn è potuta venire a casa mia ed era dispiaciuta per quello che è successo.  Ho apprezzato le sue parole semplici.  Da quel giorno in poi ho iniziato di nuovo ad andare a lavorare e uscire è molto più facile.


La gente nn mi guarda più con pietà.  Hanno dimenticato tutto della mia piccola Thea.  Non so' se questo è qualcosa per la quale essere grata o no.


Ho recentemente fatto analisi del sangue.  Questo ha rivelato una verità dolorosa.  Alcuni risultati sono tornati alterati.  Una dottoressa pensa che ho perso Thea per la trombofilia. E pensare che potrei avere la mia piccola Thea tra le braccia facendo solo delle punture di eparina!  Perchè... o perchè nn fanno questi analisi come routine?!!!!  Questo "sapere" .... ha rinnovato il mio dolore.... ha riaperto la ferita facendola divetare fresco come il primo giorno.


Penso spesso alla vecchia me.  Come ridevo e facevo dei commenti e battute stupidissime.  penso a come NON pensavo abbastanza sulle cose.... e la VERA importanza delle cose.  Penso che nn posso ritornare ad essere la vecchia me..... anche se provassi con tutte le mie forze.  Non potrei mai ritornare quella di prima.  Lho detto un paio di volte prima... ma non mi stanchero' mai di dirlo.  Non saro' mai quella che ero ..... e non VOGLIO essere quella che ero.... ritornare quella che ero significherebbe nn aver incontrato il mio piccolo angioletto Thea.  Quindi sto ancora facendo conoscenza della nuova me.


Non penso che questo processo del lutto finira' mai.  A me manchera' sempre Thea e avro sempre in dolore nel mio cuore perchè nn è qui con noi fisicamente.  L'unica cosa che posso fare è prendere ogni giono come viene e prendere piccoli passi avanti e appronfondire la conoscenza della nuova me.... con il mio piccolo angioletto al mio fianco aiutandomi ogni volta che cado.