Another Dream.... Un'altro sogno...

I nearly forgot about this dream.

I had it whilst I was in England.  That day I had gone to see John in the Funeral Home.  I needed to say goodbye to him.  I just wish someone would have told me how different he would have looked.

Anyway not seeing MY John....upset me more. I did think about it all that night and just before I went to bed.  I kept waking up.  But I must have slept a little bit because that's when I dreamt of THEA!

I dreamt that there was a village festival on.  I was pushing a buggie... and in that buggie there was Thea.  She wasn't alive.  I knew she wasn't and I kept propping her up when she slided down.  We (Giuseppe and I)..... stopped to have a cold drink at the bar.  The buggie was then on Giuseppe's side and he wasn't taking any notice of Thea.  I then saw that she had fallen on the floor.  I said "pick her up!!!"  I then picked her up off of the floor... I said to her " I know it didn't hurt you because your not alive.... but I'm ever so sorry about that".

She then opened her eyes.  I kept saying to Giuseppe.... "She's alive!!!!"  I got out a little bottle of milk and gave her her bottle.  She looked at me as she was drinking and I turned her round slightly so everyone could see her.

I woke up that night thanking John for having dreamt of Thea.  I've only dreamt of her Three times since she's gone.

I wish I could dream of her everynight so I could watch her grow.  Be with her during the night and with my boys during the day..... I'd dedicate the same amount of time to both earth and sky......

I'll keep wishing .....

Quasi dimenticavo questo sogno.


L'ho avuto mentre ero in Inghilterra.  Quel giorno ero andata a vedere John nella casa mortuaria.  Dovevo salutarlo.  Ora penso che avrei voluto che qualcuno mi avrebbe preparata perchè era diverso di com'era di solito.


Cmq non vedere il MIO John....mi ha intristita di più.  L'ho pensato tutta quella notte e anche prima di dormire.  Mi svegliavo spesso ma sicuramente avro' dormito un po' perchè è stato allora che ho sognato THEA!


Ho sognato che c'era una festa di paese.  Io stavo spingendo un passeggino..... in quel passeggino c'era Thea.  Non era viva.  Sapevo che nn lo era che continuavo ad aggiustarla perchè si spostava.  Ci siamo fermati (Giuseppe ed io) a prendere qualcosa di fresco al Bar.  Il passeggino era sul lato di Giueppe and non stava attento a Thea.  Poi ho visto che era caduta a terra.  Dicevo "prendila!!!"  L'ho presa da terra.... le ho detto "so che non ti sei fatta male perchè non sei in vita .... ma perdonami".


Ha poi aperto gli occhi.  Ripetevo a Giuseppe.... "E' VIVA!!".... Ho preso un biberon di latte e gliel'ho dato.  Mi guardava mentre beveva and l'ho girata poco poco così anche gli altri potevano vederla.  


Mi sono svegliata quella notte ringraziando John per avermi fatto sognare Thea.  L'ho sognata solo tre volte da quando è andata via.


Vorrei poterla sognare ogni notte così potrei vederla crecere.  Stare con lei durante la notte e con i miei ometti durante il giorno.... Dedicherei loro lo stesso tempo..... sia in terra che in cielo....


Continuero' a sperare.....

I don't want to have to lose them too....

Lately I have been having these really horrid feelings.  I'm so scared of losing Luca and Gero too.

There is no real reason why I should do.  It's quite silly really.  

Luca has had bags under his eyes.  It's probably lack of sleep or maybe he just needs a little more iron in his diet.  The thing is I keep thinking...... what if I don't give it the right importance and something does happen?

Today I took Gero to football pratice and watched him while he played and kept thinking.  What if he isn't fit enough to play and has something wrong with him that I don't know about?  What if he falls down and dies whilst playing?

I try to push all of these thoughts out of my head...... saying to myself "GOD YOU ARE SO STUPID"

Maybe I think I'm ok..... and think I'm doing good with the greiving process but I'm just kidding myself.
Maybe thinking that Thea was ok and had her heartbeating one minute and stopped the next is playing with my feelings and trying to mess with my head.
Maybe I took too much for granted and someone up there is ring a little bell in my ear and telling me to be care.

Why is everything SO confusing and SO hard?!!!

Mother's day. Festa della mamma....

My second Mother's day without Thea.

Here is what my boys did at school:

They are both diploma's for the best mummy in the world.  Funny how they both did the exact same thing but they are in two different schools.  One goes to preschool the other is in third year of primary school.

Calogero did this at school too....

Well he didn't actually do anything except cut it out.  He then learnt the poem.

Dear mummy,

you are as elegant as a butterfly

you're as sweet as a cake

you are really the most beautiful mother!

I love you!

I want to share a video with you too.  It's a Ciaolapo Onlus association video for mother's day.  

I get so emotional eveytime I see one of these video's

Festa della mamma 2012

How many children do I have?

More than those that you can see.

Each one in his own place.

One is in a candle light...

or in a field of dandelions...

sometimes they become butterflies

or they play with the wind

I have a son that is hidden forever

he has made his crib in my heart

I have one up there on the moon

My falling star in the sky

His name is an eco of Love

sometimes he swims through my tears

I want him here with me

But if I search well ... he's there

He's a star, a butterfly and an angel.

There are children everywhere
even though you can't see them

They live in someones eyes
they rest in the hearts
of their mothers.

Today is mothers day for these mothers.

Mother to:  (all the names)

Here are our children.... everywhere

can you fell their love?

Special mothers are mothers that are slightly different from others,
because their children are everywhere:
Sometimes they arrive after a long journey
sometimes they are all far away
This day is for all mothers
for families that are divided between
sky and earth
it's for all the special brothers and sisters
that warm our arms
Thank you for being here!

I am....

The new Still Standing Magazine for bereaved parents has a new post.  It's title is :  Who am I?  A link on Facebook from Rest in Hope has answered the question.

I'll try to too:

I am a mother to two little boys here on earth that have always meant the world to me but only now do I really realise that they are miracles of nature.

I am a mother to a little girl in heaven who was part of me for 8 months and continues to be part of me and will be part of me for the rest of my life.

I am trying to pick up the pieces even though a very important piece wil always be missing.

I am Still Standing.... you are all helping me even though you don't know it.