After loss self portrait.....

I've never come out well in photos.  Not at all really.  

I suppose the After loss self portrait would have to be this.....  Me lighting a flying lantern after Luca's birthday.  I didn't think I would be lighting a lantern .... I thought I would be breastfeeding a little girl.  :(

Capture your grief....

I should have started before.... and if I had blogged before I would have known about this project but unfortunately I got to know about it too late.

I'm going to start it today..... (on John's birthday)

I'll skip the first day....

Sunrise.... I can never manage that.  I tried on Thea's birthday and I just couldn't get up. :(

The second day is a picture before loss.  Well.... I don't like posting pictures of myself on the internet.  I've taken them all off of Facebook and other places.

This is a picture before loss.....

I was in the car with my niece.  We were laughing .... having a good time.  It was a beautiful sunny day.  The 20th of March.  Thea was in my belly..... kicking away.   I was happy.  It was going to be 4 weeks before I was going to see her little face.

Happiness was in my heart.... in my mind.... in my big belly.... it was my world!!!!

Didn't know where to write this.... maybe this isn't the place either....

All I want to do is wish my Big Brother John a Happy Birthday up there in heaven.

Last year I rang him up.... really proud and glad.  My big brother had stopped drinking and was on the mend.... and last year was the first year, after years and years of hearing my real big brother John's voice on the phone.

Today I put up the birthday cards I sent him and that he had kept.  I read them all..... they ALL say "BE GOOD and DON'T GET DRUNK"  ALL of them.  Then I read the text message I sent him last year....

"Wishing you a happy birthday.  Hoping it's the driest you've ever had in your whole life.  Love your little sister Maria xxxxx"

It was the driest.... (I hope).

I really miss phoning you up a listening to your vioce and that silly little laugh.  I really miss your smile and your big brown eyes.  I miss your big loving hug SO SO much.

Dad came to see me at work today.  He said he was going to the cemetary.  Your body may not be here.... but your photo is here and your soul is definately everywhere we go.

I kept thinking that....and I don't want to sound selfish or stupid...... I kept thinking that.... we are less worried now.  We know where you are.  I don't jump everytime I hear the phone ring and see dad's number on the display.  My heart has stopped racing and my blood doesn't get all thick anymore.

This doesn't mean that I don't love you and I'm glad you're gone.  It means that I love you so much I wish you were here with us.... I wish you could have stopped drinking before everything started going down hill.  I wish I could have helped more.

Too many wishes eh?  maybe..... defintately!

Anyway...... this is what I wanted to do.....I wanted to simply wish you a happy birthday.

Happy birthday big brother John.  Take care.  Be good.... and kiss the prettiest little angel good night for me.
Big hug.... your little sister Maria
xxxxx

SO long.....

It has been SO SO long since I blogged.  I don't even know the reason why I took a break from it.

I'm here now.... and I have a lot of catching up to do.

I was looking at the carly marie Project and thinking how was it that I didn't get to know of it till a few days ago.  I think I might participate all the same ... maybe here on my blog.

big hugs to all of you ....

and a big hug and kiss to my beautiful baby girl in the sky.