Today is the first day of Advent....

I didn't know the story of advent.... Well not the preparation.  I looked it up on the internet to see if I could do something with my little ones at school.

I found out that there are four angels of Advent.  The first one is a blue one.  It collects peace and prayers.

I lit a candle at school with a little blu angel on it.  It was emotional to see how their little eyes were looking at the candle and listening to what I had to say about the little angel. They can't wait to hear about the red angel next week.

Before going to work today.... I watched the UP film.  I hadn't seen it before.  I knew it talked about grief and that Ellie had lost a baby too.  I really wanted to watch it.  I really didn't think it was going to be SO emotional.  I cried SO much!!!!!!  I hadn't cried like that for so long.  The message at the end made me cry.

Big brother Luca....

Luca is full of pleasant surprises for me.

Beautiful ones.

I was looking through his school diary this evening.  Reading to see if he had done all of his homework.  I then had an urge to look at the 25th of March page.  What a sight!

A page with the heading that read..... THEA M.'s DAY!  Lots of hearts were drawn too.

I am so happy that my two little boys remember their little sister.

I love it when Luca looks at the sky and says "Look at the rays of the sun coming out of the coulds".  or when he runs up to me with an M&M's and says "LOOK! it's a heart shape!"  I love it when he shouts all excited...."MUMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM hurry there's a butterfly!".

20 months and things coming to mind....

Today marks Thea's 20th month in heaven.

It's really wierd how everything that happened 20 months ago.... is like a blurr and things.... little things .... come to mind when you least expect them to.

I don't know why I should have remembered it today..... but as I was round the house doing my usual chores the wierdest memory came into my head.

When I was admitted to hospital .... most of my family came to the hospital too.  I remembered that when my brother in law saw me.... he gently put his hands on my big still belly .... as if to pick Thea up to say goodbye.... he then silently gave me a big hug.

I didn't remember that particular memory until today.

It's so wierd... as though....you don't just lose your baby you lose your memory too.  You don't understand anything.... memories are just a blurr.

I wonder how many of them are going to spring to mind when I least expect them too.

Thea help me to keep remembering every little thing .

A beautiful question....

I logged on a few minutes ago and thought that it had been too long since I wrote on here.... and then said to myself.... well what have you got to say that is so interesting anyway?

Didn't think of anything and logged out.... then.... well then I thought back and decided that yes I do have something to say.

The other day I went into a shop and the shop owner and I got talking.... we talked about the 15th of October.  She was in church when the priest told everyone about what the babyloss awareness day was about and she was there when I handed out little Tea lights to everyone. (or as Claudia Ravaldi so beautifully said....Thea lights).

We got talking and she asked me about Thea and had never realised that I actually saw Thea.  She then lookd at me straight in the eyes and asked lovingly.... "who did she look like?"  I didn't believe what I was hearing.  I would have liked her to have repeated the same question over and over again.  At last.... a REAL question.  AT LAST!

I never did thank her for asking.

Think I might just send her a message thanking her.

After loss self portrait.....

I've never come out well in photos.  Not at all really.  

I suppose the After loss self portrait would have to be this.....  Me lighting a flying lantern after Luca's birthday.  I didn't think I would be lighting a lantern .... I thought I would be breastfeeding a little girl.  :(

Capture your grief....

I should have started before.... and if I had blogged before I would have known about this project but unfortunately I got to know about it too late.

I'm going to start it today..... (on John's birthday)

I'll skip the first day....

Sunrise.... I can never manage that.  I tried on Thea's birthday and I just couldn't get up. :(

The second day is a picture before loss.  Well.... I don't like posting pictures of myself on the internet.  I've taken them all off of Facebook and other places.

This is a picture before loss.....

I was in the car with my niece.  We were laughing .... having a good time.  It was a beautiful sunny day.  The 20th of March.  Thea was in my belly..... kicking away.   I was happy.  It was going to be 4 weeks before I was going to see her little face.

Happiness was in my heart.... in my mind.... in my big belly.... it was my world!!!!

Didn't know where to write this.... maybe this isn't the place either....

All I want to do is wish my Big Brother John a Happy Birthday up there in heaven.

Last year I rang him up.... really proud and glad.  My big brother had stopped drinking and was on the mend.... and last year was the first year, after years and years of hearing my real big brother John's voice on the phone.

Today I put up the birthday cards I sent him and that he had kept.  I read them all..... they ALL say "BE GOOD and DON'T GET DRUNK"  ALL of them.  Then I read the text message I sent him last year....

"Wishing you a happy birthday.  Hoping it's the driest you've ever had in your whole life.  Love your little sister Maria xxxxx"

It was the driest.... (I hope).

I really miss phoning you up a listening to your vioce and that silly little laugh.  I really miss your smile and your big brown eyes.  I miss your big loving hug SO SO much.

Dad came to see me at work today.  He said he was going to the cemetary.  Your body may not be here.... but your photo is here and your soul is definately everywhere we go.

I kept thinking that....and I don't want to sound selfish or stupid...... I kept thinking that.... we are less worried now.  We know where you are.  I don't jump everytime I hear the phone ring and see dad's number on the display.  My heart has stopped racing and my blood doesn't get all thick anymore.

This doesn't mean that I don't love you and I'm glad you're gone.  It means that I love you so much I wish you were here with us.... I wish you could have stopped drinking before everything started going down hill.  I wish I could have helped more.

Too many wishes eh?  maybe..... defintately!

Anyway...... this is what I wanted to do.....I wanted to simply wish you a happy birthday.

Happy birthday big brother John.  Take care.  Be good.... and kiss the prettiest little angel good night for me.
Big hug.... your little sister Maria
xxxxx