Have a good day at school....

These were the words we heard the other morning when we were about to go to school.  Luca and Calogero were ready.... so was I.  We walk outside the front door and Hubby's aunt says "Have a good day at school"  then adds.... "All three of you!"  I knew it was meant for the boys and me...(I teach) but I couldn't stop thinking that it could have been said to Thea too.

As we were about to turn the corner to get to the car.... Luca asked "Mum.... if Thea was here would she be going to your school with you?"

I almost jumped for joy.  Luca had the exact same thought as me.  He was thinking of his little sister!

I'm so happy that my boys speak to me openly about Thea.... I'm so happy that they talk about her often.  I'm happy and.... and this might seem strange.  I feel quite "LUCKY" that they talk about her.  Not all big brothers do.

Queste erano le parole che abbiamo sentito l'altra mattina quando stavamo per andare a scuola.  Luca e Calogero erano pronti ... anch'io lo ero.  Usciamo fuori dalla porta e lì c'era la zia di mio marito che dice "Buona Scuola".  Dopo aggiunge "A tutti e tre!".  So che era per i miei ometti e per me (insegno) ma non riuscivo a non pensare che poteva dirlo pure a Thea.

Mentre stavamo per girare l'angolo per andare in macchina .... Luca chiede "Mamma .... se Thea fosse stata qui sarebbe venuta a scuola con te?"

Ho quasi saltato per la gioia.  Luca ha avuto il mio stesso pensiero.  Stava pensando alla sua sorellina!

Sono così contenta che i miei ometti mi parlano apertamente di Thea.... Sono così contenta che parlano di lei spesso.  Sono contenta e ..... e questo ora sembrera' strano dirlo.... Mi sento quasi "Fortunata" che mi parlano di lei.  Non tutti i fratelli maggiori lo fanno.  

You REALLY ARE everywhere!

I started playing another stupid internet game.  It's all about Village life.  Well.... it's quite silly really.  Couples that get together.... have babies.... work .... pick fruit.  The usual internet rubbish.  When my couple had their baby they had twins.  Then came the time for me to name the babies.  Lucky, I thought, there's a generate button so I don't have to think one up.  Clicked the generate button... and Braydon come out.  Ok... that's fine for all I care.  Then the little girl's name.  Ok..... I'll hit the generate button again and there it was...... there YOU were!  Looking me in the face!  THEA!  out of all the names there were ..... how come Thea was generated?  was it just chance?  was it you telling me you are here with me?

whatever it was thank you!  I needed it!

Miss you baby girl.

Ho iniziato a giocare con un altro gioco stupido su internet.  Ha a che fare con la vita nel villaggio.  E' un po' sciocco.  Coppie che s'incontrano..... hanno figli.... lavorano.... raccolgono frutta.  La solita spazzatura da internet.  Quando la mia coppia ha partorito.... ha partorito dei gemelli.  Poi era ora di scegliere il nome per i gemelli.  Ho pensato che, fortunatamente, c'era la possibilità di generare il nome così da non pensarci.   HO cliccato il bottone per generare il nome.... Braydon è uscito fuori.  Ok.... bene.... per quello che m'interessa. Poi è ora del nome della bambina.  Ok.... Clicco il bottone per generare il nome ed eccolo lì.....eccoTI lì!  Guardandomi in faccia!  THEA!  tra tutti i nomi che c'erano .... perchè ha generato Thea? era un caso? Eri tu che mi dicevi che eri qui con me?

Qualsiasi cosa fosse GRAZIE!  Ne avevo bisogno!

Mi manchi piccola.

O Christmas Tree.

I took down the Christmas Tree today.

As I was taking down the decorations I mentally started talking to it:

I didn't get you out last year.  I put you away two years ago saying that next year you'll find us all with a little girl to make happy.  Well the little girl.... my daughter.... isn't here.  I put you up this year mentally telling you all about how I was childless and brotherless.  I wonder how you'll find me in December this year?  

See you soon Christmas Tree.  

Today is the first day of Advent....

I didn't know the story of advent.... Well not the preparation.  I looked it up on the internet to see if I could do something with my little ones at school.

I found out that there are four angels of Advent.  The first one is a blue one.  It collects peace and prayers.

I lit a candle at school with a little blu angel on it.  It was emotional to see how their little eyes were looking at the candle and listening to what I had to say about the little angel. They can't wait to hear about the red angel next week.

Before going to work today.... I watched the UP film.  I hadn't seen it before.  I knew it talked about grief and that Ellie had lost a baby too.  I really wanted to watch it.  I really didn't think it was going to be SO emotional.  I cried SO much!!!!!!  I hadn't cried like that for so long.  The message at the end made me cry.

Big brother Luca....

Luca is full of pleasant surprises for me.

Beautiful ones.

I was looking through his school diary this evening.  Reading to see if he had done all of his homework.  I then had an urge to look at the 25th of March page.  What a sight!

A page with the heading that read..... THEA M.'s DAY!  Lots of hearts were drawn too.

I am so happy that my two little boys remember their little sister.

I love it when Luca looks at the sky and says "Look at the rays of the sun coming out of the coulds".  or when he runs up to me with an M&M's and says "LOOK! it's a heart shape!"  I love it when he shouts all excited...."MUMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM hurry there's a butterfly!".

20 months and things coming to mind....

Today marks Thea's 20th month in heaven.

It's really wierd how everything that happened 20 months ago.... is like a blurr and things.... little things .... come to mind when you least expect them to.

I don't know why I should have remembered it today..... but as I was round the house doing my usual chores the wierdest memory came into my head.

When I was admitted to hospital .... most of my family came to the hospital too.  I remembered that when my brother in law saw me.... he gently put his hands on my big still belly .... as if to pick Thea up to say goodbye.... he then silently gave me a big hug.

I didn't remember that particular memory until today.

It's so wierd... as though....you don't just lose your baby you lose your memory too.  You don't understand anything.... memories are just a blurr.

I wonder how many of them are going to spring to mind when I least expect them too.

Thea help me to keep remembering every little thing .

A beautiful question....

I logged on a few minutes ago and thought that it had been too long since I wrote on here.... and then said to myself.... well what have you got to say that is so interesting anyway?

Didn't think of anything and logged out.... then.... well then I thought back and decided that yes I do have something to say.

The other day I went into a shop and the shop owner and I got talking.... we talked about the 15th of October.  She was in church when the priest told everyone about what the babyloss awareness day was about and she was there when I handed out little Tea lights to everyone. (or as Claudia Ravaldi so beautifully said....Thea lights).

We got talking and she asked me about Thea and had never realised that I actually saw Thea.  She then lookd at me straight in the eyes and asked lovingly.... "who did she look like?"  I didn't believe what I was hearing.  I would have liked her to have repeated the same question over and over again.  At last.... a REAL question.  AT LAST!

I never did thank her for asking.

Think I might just send her a message thanking her.